What is your favourite book?
Matilda by Roald Dahl. I like the horrible headmistress, but I wouldn't like to be taught by her! Imagine forgetting your games kit and being sent to her room! I also like all the Paddington books. Mr Curry is my favourite character. I like Allan Ahlberg's book Ten in a Bed as well. That always makes me laugh.
What book are you writing now?
Dark Fire. The fifth novel in the series. David is back - and he's brought a few scaly friends with him...
Do you like playing football?
Yes! I used to play football all the time when I was a boy, but I run out of puff too easily now - so I go in goal! My nephew, Matt, can run rings around me. So I tie his bootlaces together when I play with him. Football is my favourite sport. I once scored two goals in a cup final and I have never forgotten it. Yeah!
Have you ever written a dictionary?
No thanks! Have you seen how many words there are in a dictionary? I use one a lot to look things up, though. My Nana always used to tell me that cleanliness was next to Godliness, but I think she was fibbing because those words are at least 300 pages apart in my dictionary!
Have you got a nickname?
Where are you going for your holidays?
I am not allowed to go on holiday. I have to sit at home and write lots of letters to all my FANS. If I'm lucky I might go to Jersey for a look round next year. When I was a boy I used to go to Skegness. The only trouble was, everybody from my estate used to go on the same train at the SAME TIME! That was a bit weird. I would like to go to back to Norway. I went there when I was 11 and it was brilliant.
What school did you go to?
I went to Willowbrook Juniors in Scraptoft, Leicester, up till the age of 10. My young book The Prompter is about the time I appeared in the school production of Peter Pan.
Do you drive a limousine?
Only when I'm popping out to the shops for a loaf of bread. Most of the time I drive an orange Rolls Royce!
When is your birthday?
My birthday is in December, near Christmas, which is a swizz because you only get one lot of presents! I would invite you all to my birthday party but you would probably start throwing jelly and cake at one another and then my wife would tell me off and make me hoover up.
Have you got any jokes?
Yeah. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus! What waves a wand and grants three fishes? A fairy codmother! How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut! Hmm. Perhaps I should stick to writing stories...
What was the first book you ever wrote?
It was called A HOLE AT THE POLE. One day I was visiting the North Pole. I was sitting in an igloo having a plate of beans on toast when a polar bear walked in. He wanted the crust off the bread. I said he could only have it if he told me a good story. He said if I gave him my last Rolo as well as the crust off the bread he would tell me a MEGA-BRILLIANT story that would make me rich. A HOLE AT THE POLE has not made me rich. Polar bears are therefore not to be trusted.
What is your favourite food?
Any kind of SWEETS - but especially sports mixtures and liquorice torpedos. When I was a schoolboy I used to go to a little shop and buy four sports mixtures for a penny EVERY DAY. When the shop closed I was really upset. But do you know what? The owner of the shop had a little surprise for me - a whole BOX of sports mixtures! FREE! Wasn't that kind? I also like lemon meringue pie, Quornburgers and Frosties (but not all in the same dish). And I ADORE fruit and nut chocolate!
Where do you get your ideas from?
My dragon, Gadzooks. He is a genius and makes delicious toast. You don't believe me? Read my book The Fire Within and all will become clear...
How long does it take to write a book?
Long books take a long time and short books take a short time but short books can take a long time sometimes. Crikey, this is a difficult question! Juggling with Jeremy took one HOUR to write. I make them up while I'm doing the washing-up!
Where do you live? What is your phone number?
I live in an igloo at the North Pole; I just catch the nearest reindeer to Leicester now and then. My phone number is Cobblepocket 39415. But you can email me here!
What did you want to be when you grew up?
I'm not sure I have actually grown up yet, so I would still like to be an astronaut! Astronauts are brilliant, aren't they? They get to walk in space and wear nice shiny suits with funny whirly pipes sticking out of them. Perhaps you should persuade your teacher to dress up as an astronaut for your next Bookweek. All they will need is a fish bowl for their head and lots and lots of silver foil to wrap up in. Your teacher will only be able to say "Uggle-gluggle" through a fish bowl, so no one will get told off that day. Good wheeze, eh?
Do you write on paper or on a computer?
Most books these days are written on a computer, but some authors still prefer to write them out on paper first. Roald Dahl did his stories in his shed, with a pencil and paper. I write my stories on a computer because I find it easier to make changes to them. If I get something wrong on paper I usually go grrr, scrunch the paper up and throw it in a bin. If I get LOTS of things wrong the bin ends up full of paper, or paper goes all over the floor. Then my wife tells me off for making a mess. I think this is why most authors use a computer really - then don't like getting told off for making a mess!
Do you enjoy talking to children?
Yes, I think this is one of the best things about being an author. It's really brilliant to see you all getting excited about making up stories. It makes me feel I am doing a good job. I don't have any children of my own so it's quite exciting to be in charge of you lot for a day. Mind you, I am glad I don't have to take you all home with me. Imagine all the fish-fingers I would have to cook to keep you all fed? And all the bedtime stories I would have to read? And all the football kits I would have to wash? Phew! That could be a spooky story - the author with a zillion kids!